Thursday, August 22, 2013

Johnny Depp, Amber goddesses and Teething baby.

Today, like pirates sailing the seven seas, in search of elusive treasure we set off on an adventure to find jewels of much worth.

We were searching for the mystical jewels of baltic amber.

For those of you who aren't child wrangling, this post may make you want to poke your eyeballs out with a hot stick. So, you are excused to do whatever it is that you {without child} do. 

Lucky buggers.

Right, so back to the search. With Johnny Depp by myside we set off, baby, toddler and I on our search.

Goddamnit, Johnny, you are so hot! 

Sorry, back to the Amber search. We were on this search because baby Jude has decided that he would like to bust through two shiny, white dangerously sharp and pointy teeth.

He is teething.

And teething, well, teething is a bitch.

And amber, you ask? Well, the husband has also been feeling the affects of teething with a few lost hours of sleep each night and this has not gone unnoticed in the school staffroom. Some lady friends enquired about Jude's sleep status and he muttered "teething" and they uniformly cried one and all and all as one... Amber. Must get Amber.

He returned home with his new found wisdom and shared night after night, "amber, amber, amber". I would ignore him {as you do} and say "whatever, your friends are all hippies," and would persist with shooting down another load of Paracetamol. Now thats a fun Saturday night, right there. Actually, let me share with you the aftermath of a recent panadol dosing. Here it is, in all its glory. Vom vom.

Yup. That did happen. Thank you Jude.

And so last night tired of hearing the whispers of Amber and being vomited on I jumped on the Internet and found this.

Rachel Zoe with son, Skyler sporting amber beads.

And its not just Skyler wearing these beads, I was bamboozled with thousands of images of babies and toddlers drapped in their amber jewels. 

Now might be a good time to fess up and say that I have seen babies wearing these necklaces in the past and I may, or may not have pointed out the ridiculousness of putting a fashion accessory on a baby. A necklace on a 6 month old baby. 

Scoff, scoff.

Bad, judgemental scoffing mummy. I am sorry. I swear I didn't know your baby was teething. 

And so with that I was ready to give this amber thing a shot. But there were warnings. There are fakes. Be sure to buy the real deal warned the pages. Don't buy off the internet. Be sure that the amber beads are accredited. Feel the beads. Buy from a trusted source. 

God. Its like buying a diamond. 

Come on Johnny let's find the jewels.

The first shop we went to had sold out of the beads. Crap. The second shop was awaiting a new shipment and the third shop... Snap. Hanging on a magical wooden stand is where I spot the elusive amber glistening in the light exuding warmth and a promise of a good nights sleep. 

"Hi, I would like some amber beads please. I have a teething baby." I told the shop lady of say, 22.

"Sure. They're great for teething. They are easy to clean and are made to break only one bead at a time." Replied shop lady of 22.

"Hold on, what? Break?" I reply.

"Yup, break. You know, like snap from chewing or something. This necklace is designed to break only one bead at a time so if the baby were to swallow a bead you can be assured it would only be one bead and one bead is like, totally safe." Replied shop lady of 22.

Bead swallowing. Safe? 

"I would rather no bead swallowing. Is their a necklace that doesn't break?" I reply.

Laughing shop lady of 22 says "No".

"Hrm. Ill take it. And supervise closely."

"And there are necklaces for adults too." Shop lady of 22 informs me.

"Oh no, I am okay. Thanks. My teeth are well and truly happy. No more tooth growth for me" I reply proudly.

She didn't laugh. She hands me my beads in a bag and we leave the shop.

We stop for a coffee to celebrate our successful jewel finding journey and I glance over the beads. I read that the beads are JAA accredited. Great. I go onto read that this baltic Amber is sourced from ancient pines and that it is attributed with many mystical and curative powers. Brilliant. 

And then I notice the lady on the packaging. Good lord. It's an Amber bronzed Goddess. 

Why is their a naked booby lady on my babies beads? These beads are for my baby, not my husband. Interesting marketing strategy you have at The Amber Centre. Very interesting. Rethinking that anytime soon? 

Perhaps, a cute baby with a toothy smile might suffice. Not that I know anything about marketing. At. All. 

Maybe that's why the husband was so insistent on the purchase of these beads. I shall leave amber bronzed goddess on his pillow for tonight, while I dream of Johnny. 

Wish me luck with the beads.

I think they're already working :)

Love Jo xxx

Does Amber really work? Will I get a good nights sleep? Has your husband or partner ever insisted on a baby product?